By Melanie, Provisional Psychologist, Change for Life

“emotions are, in essence, impulses to act, the instant plans for handling life that evolution has instilled in us.” – Daniel Goleman

Anger is sometimes described as a secondary emotion.

What does this mean?

Sarah was on her way to swimming class after school. She had had a long day at school and her teacher gave her class a surprise test. When Sarah got to the pool, she asked her mum if she could have a cookie. Her Mum said no as it was not a good idea to eat just before going into the pool. Sarah got angry and started to yell at her mum and refused to get into the pool.

Why was Sarah angry? Was she merely angry or was she feeling tired from school and hungry because she had not eaten much during lunch? It seems the latter might just be the case.

Anger is often explained using the “Anger Iceberg”. If one needs to know anything about an iceberg, it is that more than 90% of it is underwater. What we see on the surface is only 10% of it. Similar to the Iceberg, Anger is the 10% that we see displayed on the surface. We see the yelling, screaming, and hitting. However, what we do not see are the underlying emotions that anger is trying to protect.

Anger is felt by everyone, it is a valid emotion of its own and should not simply be dismissed. However, it is important to remember that sometimes anger is used to protect how we truly feel about something. Back to Sarah, her anger was protecting her feelings of tiredness and hunger, and possibly not knowing how to express these emotions accurately to her Mum.

Understanding anger and its origins can help us to navigate relationships and teach our children to understand each other better.

Strategies:

• Identifying the triggering event
• Identifying the underlying emotion that anger is protecting.
  • This can be done by recognising the thoughts you had following the event and using other synonyms to describe the way that you feel rather than “angry”.
• Telling someone to “calm down” generally does not help. Rather, giving the person some space and approaching the issue with sensitivity and curiosity could be helpful.
• Taking deep breaths and squeezing a stress ball
• Engaging in activities that keep you calm e.g. listening to music, going for a run, cooking, taking a shower etc.